Chapter 1: Getting there is half the fun.

The weather started getting rough
The honeymoon was tossed
If not for the courage of the fearless groom
The nuptials would be lost
The nuptials would be lost

My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon

Chapter 1.  Getting there is half the fun.

 

Our Big Fat Guangdong Wedding was back in April, but we needed about half a year to recover enough for the honeymoon. 

We rolled out of bed bright and early on Friday (November 18th – for some reason, I was a little too busy to write this while on the honeymoon ).  I got online, battened down the hatches at work (told the boss I was about to bail and put a “bite me” autoresponder on the primary email account).  Sadly, we’d both have to spend a few hours each morning online, but that shouldn’t be a problem.  My darling made sure that the hotel she’d selected had internet access in the room.

At lunchtime, our honeymoon travel began.  We grabbed a taxi to the HuaNan Mall bus station.  For some reason, no one ever tries to give me counterfeit money.  I jumped out as soon as we stopped to grab the luggage out of the trunk and the driver tried to slip a fake 10 kuai note to my lovely wife.  She was in a good mood since we were heading out for our honeymoon, so decided to not to beat him to death.  “There’s our glitch for the mission.  Smooth sailing ahead from now on” I thought.

From the mall, we got bus tickets to the Guangzhou airport.  No traffic jams.  No cattle being herded across the expressway.  Quick and easy service.  Things were going well and we got to the airport quickly.  Upon arrival, there was even enough time to get my darling’s frequent flier card updated before heading to the gate.

I’d like to take a moment to thank whoever it was at the China Civil Aviation Administration for setting up the security screening policies at Chinese airports.  If that pretty security girl had spent another minute rubbing that metal detector wand on me, I’d have needed to change my underwear.   Somehow, I had once again deliberately accidentally left a coin in one of my front pants pockets. 

We walked to our gate and my thoughts turned to how soon we could complete our honeymoon travel, get to our hotel, and begin to enjoy some proper honeymoon activities.

      

Everything was going so well.  No issues getting to the airport.  No issues checking in.  The best Chinese-style security screening I’ve ever had.   Our gate was nearby.  Nothing could go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong. . .

There was one minor issue.  Our gate at the airport lacked one very minor, but essential feature.  The airplane seemed to be missing.     

 

 

They announced a small delay, then changed our gate.  The new gate also seemed to lack that airplane feature that I always thought was sort of standard for flights scheduled to depart soon.  They then announced a larger delay.  The plan was to get to the hotel before dark to make it a little less likely that we’d be lost.

The new schedule would put us in Guilin just after nightfall. 

Finally, they found an airplane for us and we got to board.  Amazingly, they even had a newspaper in English.  The flight was smooth and there were no more delays getting to Guilin.  We walked out of the airport to catch a bus to the train station.  We didn’t need a train, but buses to Yangshuo depart from the train station, not the airport.  I was impressed that some locals were selling cigarette lighters just at the airport doorway for people who were desperate to smoke (yes, it seems that the confiscation of lighters and matches before boarding aircraft has created new job opportunities  ).  Next, figuring out where that easy to find bus might be hidden.

We found a bus.  My darling told me to stow the luggage underneath (other than the carry on with our laptops – that NEVER goes under a bus or in the trunk of a taxi – it always remains firmly in my kungfu grip when I travel).  I shoved the other suitcase in and then she said to take it out.  Two minutes later, she said to put it back   and we got on the bus.  It finally dumped us in front of a hotel that was not far from the train station.

Nothing else could go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong…

We promptly got confusing directions about how to find the next bus.  There were plenty of motorcycle drivers willing to take us there.  I’ve done the motorcycle taxi thing once.  Hanging on for myself is easy.  Me plus luggage (especially luggage containing laptops) is not going to happen.  We managed to escape the excessively helpful 2 wheeled taxis and got headed in roughly the right direction on foot.

We finally found a very nice local housewife who walked with us part of the way and then pointed us in the right direction.  We found ourselves on a street corner checking the signs in the front window of each passing bus.  Finally, one came up with a pair of squiggles on a sign that my darling assured me said Yangshuo.  The guy leaning out the passenger side yelling, “Yangshuo! Yangshuo!!!” provided some additional confirmation.  

A small amount of argument later over me not putting the bag with the laptops underneath and we were off.  I was under the foolish impression that this bus primarily went from the train station to Yangshuo and didn’t do much in between.  Instead, we headed off down some country roads in the middle of nowhere with the ticket guy still hanging out the window (Yangshuo! Yangshuo!!!) and were picking up and dropping off people the whole way.

It was interesting to get to see some of the local farmers.  Unfortunately, Chinese people seem overall to be much more susceptible to motion sickness than the average westerner.  I’ve seen more than one delicate flower of the east toss her cookies all over the pavement just after getting off a bus.  Most buses have a package of what looks like small plastic trashbags in an easy to access location near the front.  Those aren’t for trash.  It’s for those who can’t wait until it’s time to get off the bus before emptying their stomachs the hard way.  The guy in front of me got a bag and spent about an hour adding to the contents.   Worse, from the even more unpleasant than usual smell, I could tell he’d been drinking quite a bit of cheap beer.    Finally, he got off the bus and I could resume breathing.

Eventually, we arrived in Yangshuo and were dumped in front of a hotel.  Unfortunately, not the hotel our reservation was at. 

I have a simple rule about asking for directions.  Don’t ask for directions from anyone who might profit from giving the wrong directions, such as a taxi driver.  I’m going to have to add hotel clerks to that list when it comes to asking about the location of another hotel.  My darling wife asked at another hotel where our hotel was located and we were promptly sent in the opposite direction from where the hotel really was.  My guess is that the clerk hoped we’d give up and come back to check in to his hotel.

Finally, my darling called the hotel and we managed to get close.  Our hotel then sent the lobby security guard out to find us and lead us back.

At last, we’d arrived and could finally begin to properly enjoy our honeymoon. 

Nothing else could possibly go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong…

The room was incredibly dark and cramped.  We had a big picture window that had a view of a courtyard.  It didn’t open and there were no other windows.  There was mold growing on one wall.  The bathroom fan created almost no airflow and the air in the room was barely breathable.  The internet connection didn’t work.  Finally, we got online with wireless connections that didn’t seem very stable.  My darling suggested taking another room, but that would move us farther from the wireless router in the lobby.  I love that my job lets me travel, but a good internet connection is an absolute necessity.

 

 

Happily, we’d only prepaid for one night.  We decided to have a late dinner at some little food stands (specializing in meat of unknown origin – don’t ask, don’t tell ) nearby and decided find a new hotel would be the priority first thing in the morning.

 

<– My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon Intro          –> Chapter 2. The Quest for Internet (and erotic alcohol???). –>